THE CARAVAN Volume 9, Issue 11, November 2010


IN MY WORLD THERE IS NOTHING WRONG

I often tell people that in my world I have no stress or conflict. Of course they say that is impossible, everyone has stress and everyone has conflict. Yes, I do have stressful situations that I am in from time to time and I have had people who are constantly in conflict and love to share that mindset with all those they come in contact with. The difference is that I won't allow that stress or conflict to enter my world. No, that is not easy and here are some tips that can help you.

I always keep in mind that I am in charge of my world, not the other person. I also do my best to think that everyone is just trying to do what is right for them based on their worldview. The only exception to that is the 2%er who sees nothing but destruction. So, with the 2%er, I am in control and won't allow them to make my world toxic. With everyone else I give them the benefit of the doubt. Either way I am in control of what I do next based on what they did.

Let's say someone tells me that they are going to follow up on a request from me. First I trust that they are going to do what they say they are going to do. Then I allow them to succeed. If they don't follow through I then do my best to mitigate the damages that could arise from what they failed to do. Once that is taken care of then I approach them to find out why they couldn't do what they said they were going to do.

A 2%er will make up some lame excuse and deflect the blame to everyone but himself or herself. The rest will own up to the problem and we can work together to see how we can fix it or how we can ensure it won't happen again. Remember throughout this entire interaction I am not stressed nor am I angry or in conflict. It is what it is.

If the other person ends up being a 2%er then I set the ground rules for our next interaction and will probably put some safeguards in place to make sure the outcome is what I want. If the 2%er fails again, then the relationship will end, as the trust will no longer be there. Believe me when I say the relationship will end. I do not need any toxicity in the world I am in charge of. This may be hard for you to understand but this includes workplace, clients, family and friends.

If the other person is not a 2%er and is willing to take responsibility for their actions and will do their best to accomplish what is needed, then I will work with them as long as they are trying. Yes, there may come a point in the future where we may have to agree to part company but it will not be with anger.

So, let's review why I don't have any stress or conflict in my world. Simply put there is no stress as it is us who puts the stress in place, not the other person or the situation. As for conflict it takes two to be in conflict and if my mindset is that there is no conflict, only issues that need to be addressed, then of course there is no conflict. Let me repeat that last one; there is no conflict in my world because I will not dance the dance that allows me to be in conflict with others.

I always remember the Marx Brothers comedy routine where a man enters the doctor's office and says, "Doctor my arm hurts when I do this." The doctor replied, "Then don't do that!"

I choose not to be in conflict and I choose not to allow anything to become so stressful that it becomes toxic. The choice is yours - it's your world, not theirs.

Be well...

Ted



MOM'S TWO CENTS
By Jordin Williamson

WHO REALLY HAS THE LAST WORD?

A few years ago I was having a lot of trouble with the attitude coming out of my daughter. She was rude, argumentative, disobedient, and constantly needing to have the last word in everything. There was a lot of yelling from all sides, and a lot of time-outs and angry trips to her room. I think she slammed her bedroom door 50 times a week.

I sought advice from my doctor, her paediatrician, my friends, websites, magazines, and even Dr. Phil for a way to deal with the constant conflict. I tried lots of things and nothing worked or it would work for a day or so and then lose its novelty.

Finally I decided that I was tired of playing the game. I was tired of the conflict and I was tired of the attitude. So, I stopped playing the game. I stopped reacting to her. I stopped trying to argue my point and I stopped always needing to have the last word. It was very difficult to make those changes but I had to keep reminding myself that I was the adult and I had a choice in how I responded to her.

It didn't take long for things to change. I was surprised at how quickly the conflict lessened. You can't argue if you have no one to argue with. You can't slam a door if no one is standing there to slam it at. Now when she starts the attitude and the back talk, I remind her that I will not have this discussion until she is respectful, calm and standing in front of me (as she tends to want to yell from another room). When she does get upset, I remind her that no one else in the room is yelling but her.

Don't get me wrong. We still have our battles. I still get upset and both kids do get into trouble. We still have conflict as all parents do but now we handle it in a totally different way. It isn't about me being right and having to have the last word. It is about trying to have a conflict free house. By me not playing the game with her, staying calm and walking away if necessary, I do have the last word...peace!


Quote of the Month
By Brodi Mouradian

"Happiness is an attitude. We either make ourselves miserable, or happy and strong. The amount of work is the same.".
- Francesca Reigler


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