Volume 1, Issue 9 September 2002
DEALING WITH 2% BEHAVIOUR
There is something that we all need to understand, and yet it is something that is so difficult to do on a daily basis. We must understand that we cannot change the other person, we can only change our perception of the other person. In other words, the only ‘person’ we can change is ourselves.
How do we deal with behavior that is contrary to the Cooperative Action Model©
How do we get out of a toxic situation? If we cannot change others, how do we handle the 2%er? Here are some simple steps that will help to answer these questions.
CALM DOWN: If you are as angry or upset as the other person, you will not be able to hear and understand what they are saying.
ORGANIZE YOUR THOUGHTS: Ask yourself what is going on here. Why are you getting angry? Why are you feeling threatened? Why is this interaction not pleasant? Who actually has the problem here?
OFFER TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND THEIR POINT OF VIEW: Many times we forget that perception is reality. Find out why the other person is acting the way that they are. Try to understand where they are coming from.
PREPARE TO LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGMENT: This is a difficult thing to do because we will naturally be trying to change them. The Cooperative Action Model©
states that we should be celebrating the individual and that all people should be allowed to be who they were meant to be as long as they are not knowingly adversely affecting the planet or anyone on it. When we judge, we are putting ourselves in a position of power and that is not part of the Cooperative Action Model© .
EMPATHIZE: Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It will help you understand why they have the point of view that is creating the behavior.
REALIZE YOUR PART IN THE INTERACTION: There may have been something that you did that triggered the other person’s behavior. Realize that you are an integral part of the interaction.
ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PART: Always be prepared to own up to your part in the interaction. A simple statement that says you understand their perception and that if your actions adversely affected them, then apologize. Remember, if you are living the Cooperative Action Model© , then you are not out to hurt anyone. Therefore, if someone perceives a hurt, then you should apologize for your part in creating that perception. Never try to minimize or justify your part, just accept responsibility for your part.
TELL THE TRUTH: This part is very important, because it will set the stage for further interaction in the relationship. You must set your boundaries with the other person in a respectful, honest and direct manner. While understanding how they feel, it must be clear to them how you feel.
INVESTIGATE POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS: Once a clear understanding of the situation has been reached, look for ways the relationship may continue. This may even mean that there will be no further contact. Even a non-relationship, is a relationship.
END WITH A CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OF ALL PARTIES POSITIONS: Do not leave this interaction without a clear understanding of the other person and a clear understanding of where the relationship stands and where the relationship is going.
In summary, if you are constantly living the Cooperative Action Model©, then you are celebrating the other individual’s right to be themselves. If being themselves is adversely affecting you, then you must point that out in a calm, respectful manner while trying to empathize and understand why the person is acting the way they are acting.
You cannot change the other person. You can only change how you see that other person and when you change ‘you’ the relationship changes. When you understand why they are doing what they are doing and then put it in perspective with The Model, you will then understand how the relationship is to continue.
WHEN OTHERS NEED TO VENT
Sometimes, you will be put in a position where someone needs to use you as a sounding board. Do not automatically take up their cause or automatically judge them or the other person they are talking about. Here are six steps to consider.
ALLOW THE OTHER PERSON TO VENT: Let them say what they need to say without interruption. People need to vent. Keep in mind, it is their time to talk.
CONFIDENTIALITY IS THE KEY: Do not share any information with anyone else unless you have been given clear permission to do so. Sometimes a vent is only a vent and will not be taken any further. They just needed to talk. It is not up to you to decide to take the matter any further.
TELL THEM THEY SHOULD TALK DIRECTLY TO THE OTHER PERSON: The Cooperative Action Model©
talks about respectful, honest, and direct communication. It is important that this person go directly to the person they are venting about. Do not become part of a triangle. This only causes gossip and it perpetuates 2% behavior.
INVOLVE NO ONE ELSE UNLESS YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO DO SO: Many times the person venting will be reluctant to do anything further. It is not your place to bring others in to try to solve the problem unless you have the venter’s permission to do so.
OFFER YOUR ASSISTANCE AND SUPPORT: If the person venting is uncertain what the next step is, offer to help. Be clear that it is their decision not yours on where this issue is going and how they will deal with it.
NEVER TAKE ON THEIR PROBLEM. IT IS NOT YOURS: I will repeat this again. It is not your place to take charge of the situation. It is their problem and only they can deal with it.
Here it is again at a glance…
DEALING WITH 2% BEHAVIOUR
ORGANIZE YOUR THOUGHTS
OFFER TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND THEIR POINT OF VIEW
PREPARE TO LISTEN WITHOUT JUDGMENT
REALIZE YOUR PART IN THE INTERACTION
ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR PART
TELL THE TRUTH
INVESTIGATE POSSIBLE SOLUTIONS
VALUE THEIR PERCEPTION
END WITH A CLEAR UNDERSTANDING OF ALL PARTIES POSITIONS
WHEN OTHERS NEED TO VENT
ALLOW THE OTHER PERSON TO VENT
CONFIDENTIALITY IS THE KEY
TELL THEM THEY SHOULD TALK DIRECTLY TO THE OTHER PERSON
INVOLVE NO ONE ELSE UNLESS YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO DO SO
OFFER YOUR ASSISTANCE AND SUPPORT
NEVER TAKE ON THEIR PROBLEM, IT IS NOT YOURS
The following email was sent to us by a good friend Sandra Lightner from Washington DC. We got her permission to share it with you.
‘To all of my family and friends,
On this day before the anniversary of September 11, I wanted to send a special message of love to all of you. Some of you I know because of the blood we share and some because of blessed situations that have come to my life.
I want you all to know on this day more than ever how much you mean to me and that in my heart is a special place.
Please remember that no matter the good or bad that occurs in our lives, hold those that you love close and celebrate the incredible miracle they are.
I love you all,
Best In Life
“It is not what happens to us in life that counts. It is what we do about it.”
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