Volume 2, Issue 5, May 2003
WHEN TRIANGLES GO BAD
I want to tell you a story about how a small incident or misunderstanding can get blown out of proportion. Humphry (the camel) and Jack (the donkey) work together. Humphry is usually happy and up-beat, he truly does his best to live the Mouradian Model for Co-operative Action©. Jack on the other hand, is always looking to the dark side and feels that everything that happens to him in life is directed at him personally.
On one particular day, Humphry found out that his father was very ill and may need a major operation. Humphry was up most of the night worrying about it and when he came into work, he was not his usual self. As an aside, we must keep in mind that everyone is entitled to a bad day once in awhile. When Humphry arrived at work he walked right past Jack without saying a word. When he had to interact with Jack, Humphry snapped at him. Of course Jack thought Humphry was rude to him and thought that Humphry had no business trying to order him around. Now instead of approaching Humphry, Jack did what most of us do, he “triangled” someone.
Triangling is when person ‘A’ (Jack) talks about how they feel about person ‘B’ (Humphry) with person ‘C’; hence the triangle. Generally, person ‘A’ is looking for support and is trying to get someone on his or her side.
Jack told the goat, then the goat told the pig and the pig passed the story onto the hens and the grapevine was completed. Humphry was now having problems working with Jack and some of the others and has no clue as to the problem. Jack had successfully got many others to believe his story about Humphry. When Humphry finally figured out what was going on, he approached Jack and asked him why he was saying such things and further asked him why he did not feel free enough to mention his concerns directly to Humphry.
Of course Jack did not think about saying anything to Humphry. He just assumed that Humphry was out to get him. In reality, Humphry had other things on his mind. This does not excuse Humphry’s behavior.
However, the point of the story: Had Jack gone directly to Humphry when the incident occurred, Humphry would have explained about his father’s illness, and knowing Humphry, he would have apologized for his behavior and the entire incident would have lasted only a few minutes. Instead, by triangling, Jack created a much bigger problem.
How should the goat, the pig and the hens react to the situation? Generally, we would want to support our fellow co-worker (or friend) and not let them feel that they cannot come to us for advice. The answer is simple, validate Jack’s concerns and encourage him to speak directly to Humphry if he has not done so already. The goat, the pig and the hens should make it clear that they do not want to be part of a triangle and if Jack is apprehensive about approaching Humphry alone, then one of the others can offer to go with Jack and have a face to face meeting with Humphry.
Remember, the third tenet of the Mouradian Model© states:
All relationships are based on constant negotiation of boundaries by using respectful, honest and direct communication in order to bring a clear understanding to all of our interactions.
The key word in this tenet is the word ‘direct’. By going directly to Humphry, Jack would have found out about Humphry’s father and Humphry would have had an opportunity to apologize for his behavior.
There is no need to get other people involved in your problems unless you are looking for advice as how to approach the person or the problem. It should also be noted here that the person being approached for advice should not, and I strongly repeat, should not bring others into the situation.
Triangling only furthers gossip.
Triangling only perpetuates the grapevine.
Triangling only deepens misunderstanding and mistrust.
If you have a problem with me, then come directly to me. If you feel you cannot approach me alone for whatever reason, then bring in an impartial third party to aid in the communication. Do not talk about anyone behind his or her back and do not allow yourself to be triangled by others. There is a significant difference between getting advice on how to deal with a person or situation and just plain gossiping. Remember that fine line and don’t cross it. Have enough respect for the other person that you will allow them to deal with your concerns directly.
Once Jack understood what was bothering Humphry, he was free to go about his work and he did understand why Humphry acted the way he did.
Triangling is something that is common in many relationships. If you need further clarification on this concept or you have a specific question, email me at ted@cooperativeaction.com or use our toll-free number, 1-877-393-3433.
Ted.
Humphry says…
Remember to go directly to the source of your problem.”
Brodi’s Bits
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