THE CARAVAN Volume 7, Issue 4, April 2008


IT’S TIME TO LET GO

As I work closely with staff, management, unions, couples, parents and teens I have seen a pattern that exists that stifles our ability to move on after a conflict or a 2% incident. Again we seem to dwell on the negative and not the positive.

Years ago I was working with a family who were victims of domestic violence. I used to council in a men’s group in Niagara called Niagara Men Against Violence. Well this family was working hard at changing their lives, especially the husband. One day he came to me a little frustrated. He told me that at dinner one of his children spilled some milk and everyone at the table ducked. He asked them why they all ducked and his youngest daughter said that she thought he was going to hit her for what she did.

The reason he was so disappointed was that he had not raised his hand or his voice in almost a year. He asked me if he was ever going to lose the stigma of having been a violent person. My answer was simple. The stigma will be gone when the people around him let it go.

In another situation I talked to a group of union representatives and told them they should not carry the past baggage. One vice president said that they have to remember the past so they don’t repeat their mistakes in the future. Once bitten, twice shy as the saying goes. That I agree with, but the problem is not the remembering or being cautious, the problem is that most of us harbour and stew over the past conflict and that affects the future.

I had an employee come to me about approaching a manager regarding an issue. He was apprehensive about going to the manager for help because of what the manager might do or say. Now the history here is that this manager had a reputation of being a 2%er. The staff felt that when they had to go into his office, it was like going to the head master’s office. The manager had taken my seminar and began to make changes in his approach to his staff. Once this manager actually realized how he had been affecting his staff, he really made a conscious effort to improve the workplace and stay within the Model. Unfortunately some of his staff have not let go of the past yet.

Gandhi said that justice is rendered quickest by giving justice to the other party first.

The Model states that we should tell others what we need by speaking respectfully, honestly and directly. The Model also talks about mutual trust and respect.

If I did something to harm you and I apologized for it when you pointed the transgression out to me, then trust the fact that my apology was heartfelt. I am going to do my best not to repeat the behaviour. Will I make a mistake sometime in the future, maybe? But to hang on to and dwell on that one incident and allow that incident to taint our future dealings is not productive in any way. Let it go.

Here are some tips on how to ‘let it go’ based on the six tenets of the Mouradian Model for Cooperative Action©.

Understand how your actions or inactions are affecting others.

Let go of the past actions of the other person if that other person has said that they are doing their best to change.

Be the first to compliment the other person’s actions when they do show an effort to change.

If the person does revert back (and we all will from time to time) tell them what you need. You know they are trying, but they repeated the unwanted behaviour. If they are not 2%ers they will take your observation as helpful, not as criticism. The most difficult aspect of letting go is setting your ego behind you. Every time we say they should know better or they should apologize first, we are letting our egos stand in the way of reconciliation.

So, the bottom line is this. When you let go you take the high road and there is a good possibility that will give the other person the green light to let go as well.

Peace



Ted



MOM’S TWO CENTS
By Jordin Williamson

LET THEM LEARN FROM THEIR MISTAKES

As parents we want our children to learn from their mistakes but at the same time we don’t want them to make mistakes. Think about it. We punish them for mistakes that they make and the punishment usually prevents them from doing the thing that caused the mistake in the first place. Let me explain.

Your 10 year old goes bike riding and leaves his bike at the park. He comes home for dinner and tells you the bike was gone when he went back to get it. He is visibly upset and looks to you for an answer. You yell and tell him how irresponsible it was to leave his bike unattended and you ground him from the park for a week. Then you go and buy him a new bike but he is not allowed to ride it off your block.

Your logic is he will learn not to leave his things behind right? But he never gets the chance to learn to be responsible. He never gets the chance to come home with the bike. He never has to risk losing it again because you won’t let it leave the block.

Show him that you trust him to remember the rules and respect his things. Remind him not to leave the bike at the park when he rides away but trust him to bring it back. If he loses the second bike, then you need to re-evaluate the rules. But when he returns with the bike, praise him.

When my six year old left her skipping rope at school one day she wanted to take another toy the next day. I made her return the rope first before another toy could go. She was very upset and went to school empty handed. She did however, come home with the skipping rope that night and I praised her for remembering. Her lesson was to be responsible. I didn’t ban toys from going to school; I let her learn from her mistake.

. If your two year old colours on the wall with crayons; don’t ban crayons from the house. Make her clean the walls.

If your fifteen year old dents the car; don’t take away her keys. Make her pay for the repairs.

If your 5 year old pops the heads off of all your tulips in the garden; don’t ban her from playing outside. Make her help you plant new ones. Have her take care of them and watch them grow so she learns to appreciate their beauty.

Let them learn from their mistakes.

Quote of the Month
Submitted by Brodi Mouradian

If your teeth are clenched and your fists are clenched, your lifespan is probably clenched. .
- Adabella Radici


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